Artemis Fowl and the Riddle's Lure
by CieloCrimisi
Summary: Artemis' acquisition of fairy magic results in a visit from Hogwarts. Thrust into the wizarding world, everyone's favorite genius must find a way to cope with mastering his magic, age-old prejudices, and the constant threat of teenage hormones.
1. 1 Acceptance

"Holy shit," declared a rumpled Juliet Butler, wandering into the Fowl's dining room with a bowl of Frosted Flakes in hand.

Juliet's cursing was not unusual for this hour of the day. The tall, pretty professional wrestler was not much of a morning person, and it was, after all, barely past eleven AM. Fourteen-year old Artemis Fowl the Second already sat at the table reading the newspaper, having showered, dressed and eaten three hours ago.

"Your brother would disapprove of your using such language, you know. Good morning to you, too, by the way, and yes, I did sleep well, thank you."

Juliet dismissed his admonishment with a wave of her electric blue-manicured hand and sat down next to Artemis. "Whatever, like Butler can talk. Where do you think I learned it all? But that's not important. Look out the window! Is that an owl out on the windowsill? I don't think I've ever seen one outside during the day before."

Artemis obediently looked out the window where there was, in fact, an owl. It was a Tyto alba, to be exact, more commonly referred to as a barn owl. A rare sight in Ireland at any time of day, and it appeared to be looking back at them. Juliet rose and crept toward the window, trying to see how close she could get without scaring the creature.

Artemis made a noise of mild interest. "That's rather fascina- er, I mean...That's cool," he said tentatively. Artemis handled the word "cool" the way middle aged parents do when they're trying to look hip in front of their kids' friends. Juliet nodded approvingly at his effort. Lately she had taken up the hobby of training the Fowl heir to use slang in normal conversation, in the hopes that he wouldn't be too much of a freak when he started high school. "Barn owls aren't very common, you know. Perhaps it's been living in the stable."

He watched her move slowly toward the window where the bird hadn't moved from its perch, its intelligent eyes watching the girl's approach. It didn't look frightened, however; if anything, Artemis thought it looked rather impatient, if it were possible for a bird to do that. With both teenagers watching, it leaned over and tapped its beak audibly on the glass.

"Ohmigod, that's so cool," Juliet whispered, finally reaching the window and marveling at the fact that it wasn't flying away. "Why's it doing that? That's not normal, is it?" she asked as the owl ruffled its feathers, annoyed, and tapped the window again more insistently.

"I'm not sure," Artemis admitted. "Probably not."

"Aww, maybe it's hurt. Like it can't fly or something. I'm gonna get a closer look."

"Or maybe it has rabies," Artemis retorted. "Oh, don't open the window. What if it gets loose inside? If it does, you're the one who has to chase it out," he grumbled, but Juliet had already flipped the latch and lifted the pane.

"I can't leave a poor defenseless little animal outside if it's sick or hurt or whatever! _Hey there little guy..._" she crooned. A moment later there was a shriek and Juliet leapt away from the window. The owl swooped in and headed directly for Artemis, who yelped and covered his head with the newspaper defensively, and narrowly missed Juliet's Frosted Flakes as it landed in a clatter of talons and silverware on the breakfast table. Artemis stared warily at the bird in front of him as if it were a feathery ticking time bomb.

"I so was not expecting that," said Juliet weakly.

"Oh, you neither?" Artemis hissed. The owl let out an ear-splitting _shree! _and held out its leg in exasperation, and that's when Artemis noticed the cream colored envelope tied to its foot. He stared for a minute, trying to comprehend the situation. Was he seriously supposed to take it? Certainly, he had heard of pigeons that used to be trained to carry messages in a similar fashion as this, but who had heard of trying such a thing with owls? And who who would even bother in this day and age, with so much technology available?

Artemis realized he probably looked like an idiot still holding the paper over his head, so he set it down and, with great caution, reached out and relieved the owl of its burden. It waited until the letter was off its foot before giving the boy a hard nip for taking so long and flapping irritably back through the open window, leaving nothing but a couple of downy feathers and a small puncture wound on Artemis' hand to prove that the bizarre event had actually occurred. There was a long, stunned silence.

"Well," said Juliet finally, snapping out of her daze and returning to her usual chipper self. "That doesn't happen every day." She shut the window and bounded over to Artemis, who hadn't quite recovered from the shock of the unexpected assault and was gazing at the envelope like he'd never seen one before in his life.

"So what did the carrier-owl bring you? Who's it from?" She prodded his shoulder. "If you don't want to open it, I'll do it for you." When this evoked no response, the girl peered at the letter over Artemis's shoulder and read aloud, "_Master A. Fowl, Jr., the second floor bedroom of the East Wing, Fowl Manor, Dublin County."_ She gave Artemis a funny look. "I think it's kind of creepy how they know where you sleep." The expression on Artemis' face indicated that he rather agreed. She flipped it over. "Huh. No return address," she said curiously. "Buuut there's a nifty wax seal with an H...and some animals on it...I think it's like a...whaddoyacallem'... a coat of arms!" she said as if Artemis couldn't see this for himself. "You gonna open it?"

Artemis took the envelope from Juliet and, feeling strangely nervous, pried it open. Three pieces of paper fell out. _No, not paper..._ thought Artemis as he felt the thickness and texture of it. _More like...parchment? How strange. _He couldn't think of anyone who used the stuff anymore. Of course, the sender's use of parchment was almost normal compared to the method of delivery. Picking up the first sheet, he read:

** HOGWARTS SCHOOL**

** of WITCHCRAFT and WIZARDRY**

** Headmaster: Albus Dumbledore**

** (Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlock,**

** Supreme Mugwump, International Confed. of Wizards)**

** Dear Master Fowl,**

** We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. As you are not registered with the Ministry of Magic as a member of the magical community, a school representative will be arriving at your place of residence at 4 o'clock this afternoon, Monday, June 20, to explain the terms of your enrollment. Until you have been fully informed of your situation, we must firmly insist that you act with utmost discretion regarding Hogwarts School and all with which it is associated. Willful failure to do so will result in legal repercussions and, in certain circumstances, the possible rescinding of your acceptance. We thank you for your cooperation in matters of secrecy and look forward to seeing you at the start of term, which will take place on 1 September.**

** Sincerely,**

** Minerva McGonagall,**

** Deputy Headmistress**

The second sheet read "First Year Required Materials" and had a list of such nonsense items as a wand, cauldron, robes, and a book list. The third was a train ticket for the "Hogwarts Express" which was due to leave from a place called Platform 9 3/4.

Artemis didn't quite know what to make of it. He reread the name of the school, to make sure that he hadn't misunderstood, but there it was. Hogwarts, school of witchcraft and wizardry. His first impression was that this supposed acceptance letter was some sort of elaborate joke. Honestly? _Hog warts? _How repulsive. And what in the world was a mugwump anyway? Obviously, the mysterious sender was familiar with the layout of Fowl Manor, to the point where they knew which bedroom was Artemis'. The mention of "wizardry" made Artemis think that the letter was referring to the fact that he still possessed stolen time tunnel magic. But for what purpose? As far as he knew, only three people knew that Artemis had retained his magic after the return journey from Limbo: Butler, and his parents, whom he had felt deserved the complete truth about his strange and unexplained disappearance. Artemis had found that he was tired of keeping secrets from his family.

Holly, Qwan and No 1 had all known about his ill-gained power, but Holly had been left with the impression that his magic had been lost and Artemis assumed that she had passed the news on to the rest of the fairies during her debriefing. Perhaps this was some sort of veiled threat, and someone was going to try and blackmail him. But if this was the case, then why didn't the letter contain a demand, or at least instructions? Of course, the sender had - rather courteously for a blackmailer - requested that he keep the letter a secret, under threat of "legal repercussions". And had mentioned that a "school representative" would be paying him a visit later today. Was this representative to be a negotiator of some sort? Frankly, Artemis was stymied.

Juliet had finished scrutinizing the letter as well and was looking just as mind-boggled as Artemis felt.

"This is some kind of joke, right?"

"It must be."

"But who goes to the trouble of training an owl to deliver you a letter, just for a laugh?"

"I really don't know," Artemis sighed, tucking the pieces of parchment back into the envelope. "Someone eccentric? It's peculiar, to say the least."

"Hmm," said Juliet as she took a bite of her now-soggy cereal. "I'd tell your parents about it, just the same. Probably Butler too, if someone's actually gonna show up at four."

"Yes," said Artemis absently. "Yes, I should go do that now." He drifted out of the dining room lost in thought, leaving Juliet to her breakfast.

But Artemis did not go immediately to inform Butler or his parents about the strange letter and the impending arrival of a mysterious visitor. Instead he headed to his computer where he pulled up Google search engine and typed in "Hogwarts".

_Your search returned no matches,_ Google informed him. Did you mean: _hog warts? _Well, no. But he tried it anyway. Which led him to numerous veterinary sites about how to treat pig-related fungal infections. Lovely.

Next Artemis tried "Albus Dumbledore", again with no luck. "Minerva McGonagall" yielded plenty of hits, displaying many Minervasand McGonagalls respectively, but no one that seemed to match the person he was looking for.

Artemis sighed and slumped back into his swivel chair, kneading his forehead wearily. Did neither of these people actually exist? No birth certificates, criminal records, marriage licenses? Finally, he typed in "school of witchcraft and wizardry". He found plenty of sites relating to Wiccan rituals, weird religious cults that claimed to be "schools of witchcraft", and even ghost stories, but nothing that seemed like the sort of legitimate educational institution Hogwarts claimed to be.

After failing to find anything informative on the Internet, Artemis contacted Holly via communicator to see if she had any ideas on the subject, but she was extremely busy catching up on three years' worth of paperwork.

In a harried tone of voice, she told him she had no idea who was sending him prank letters. She hadn't even bothered formally briefing the LEP about his magic-snatching, since the matter had been resolved so quickly, but had told Qwan and No. 1 afterwards that Artemis had wound up losing his power.

"I'm sorry Artemis but I really can't talk now," Holly said quickly. Artemis could hear the telephone ringing in the background. She went to go grab it but accidentally knocked over a coffee mug on an important-looking document. "D'arvit!" Holly dropped the communicator, there was some indistinct muttering in Gnommish, and she reappeared, looking frazzled. "Look, I've really got to go! Let me know if anything else happens, okay? Bye!" She ended the connection, cutting Artemis off mid-question.

Another dead-end later, Artemis was feeling a little bit frustrated. He wasn't used to being so completely in the dark about, well, anything. When he needed information, the Internet and a bit of well-placed hacking had never let him down before. It was now 12:15. Artemis, conceding defeat, decided that he had better go tell his parents that a stranger would be coming to the manor with information about his acceptance to wizard school.

* * *

**A/N: Here it is! My first story, woot! Was it good? Was it bad? Tell me! Don't just sit around and think "Wow, this fic sucks... next." **

Yes, I know, it's annoying when authors ask for reviews, buuuut... if you wanted to give me a little extra incentive, I would indeed appreciate it. =] I'll make more of an effort if I know people are waiting to hear what happens...

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**Disclaimer: S'not mine. It's Eoin Colfer's and JKR's. (btw, are disclaimers actually required on this site? Doesn't the fact that this is "Fan****" fiction sort of make it obvious?)**


	2. 2 The Visitor

As Artemis expected, Mr. and Mrs. Fowl reacted to the news of his supposed acceptance with a mixture of curiosity and apprehension. Butler was just concerned that a possibly threatening outsider was not only aware of his principle's magic powers but also knew where Artemis slept.

Three forty-five found the four of them in the drawing room watching four o'clock tick closer on the impressive old grandfather clock. Angeline was sitting on the sofa, studiously picking at a loose thread at the hem of her rapidly fraying cotton sundress. Butler paced in front of the doorway silent as a jungle cat, stopping every so often to glance out the window as if to catch the visitor sneaking around the side of the house instead of coming up the main drive. No one spoke.

No sooner had the clock finished chiming the hour than the ancient doorbell sounded through the manor, seemingly magnified by its occupants' silence. Butler slipped out and padded down the corridor to the main hall.

He reached the main entrance and peered through the blinds. There was a tall, regal-looking woman standing at the door in what looked like a long black dress. Perched on top of her head was a pointed black witch's hat, angled to keep the late afternoon sun out of her sharp eyes. It didn't look as though she was carrying a weapon, but this didn't necessarily mean there wasn't one, so Butler opened the door cautiously nonetheless. "Good afternoon," he said.

"To you as well," she said, nodding to him briskly. Butler had long come to expect strangers gawking at him, but if this woman was taken aback by the sheer size of him, she didn't let it show. "I am Professor Minerva McGonagall, of Hogwarts School. I am here to see Master Artemis Fowl, Junior. We have a four o'clock appointment." Her voice was every bit as crisp as her manner.

Butler eyed her suspiciously for a moment before letting her inside. Professor McGonagall stared right back, exuding calm and authority. She followed the bodyguard into the grand foyer, politely refused the proffered armchair, and stood waiting as he went to fetch Master Artemis.

Butler reappeared in the drawing room looking quizzical. To Artemis, he said, "A Professor McGonagall here to see you, sir."

"It is Professor McGonagall herself, then? Interesting," Artemis mused, standing up. "She wants me alone?"

"She didn't specify, but she only asked for you."

"I see." He turned to his parents. "I shall talk to her alone first, if you don't mind," he said.

Artemis Sr. frowned. "Are you sure?"

"Quite, Father."

His mother made a worried "hmm" noise, as if she were going to protest.

"It will be fine, Mother. I will fill you in when I return." Artemis turned to follow Butler out the door. "What is your impression of her?" he asked as they proceeded down the corridor.

Butler thought a moment before responding. "Well, if this is a ruse, it's a pretty elaborate one. She's dressed rather eccentrically. Doesn't appear to be armed, though I couldn't be certain. Honestly, she reminds me of a strict Catholic schoolteacher, aside from the whole witch getup**.**"

"Interesting," Artemis said again. They rounded the corner into the foyer to find Professor McGonagall admiring an aged tapestry. It depicted two dragons engaged in battle, one black and one white, as a maiden in a faded golden dress crouched on the ground between them.

As Butler had said, she was indeed dressed strangely, in something like a very high-quality Halloween costume, pointed hat and all. Her dark hair, heavily streaked with gray, was pulled into a bun as severe as her hawk-like expression.

Professor McGonagall turned from the wall and smiled a thin smile when she saw Butler had returned, but the smile turned to confusion when her gaze landed on Artemis. "_You _are Artemis Fowl Junior?" she asked, eyebrow raised. Artemis noted that her accent sounded English.

"I am." Artemis raised an eyebrow back at her.

"How old are you?"

"Fourteen..."

"_Fourteen_," she repeated, glaring at him as though expecting to catch him in some kind of lie. Artemis nodded, wondering why his age was such an issue. The silence stretched on as he waited for her to explain the problem, and when she didn't, he decided to speak up himself.

"So," he prodded. "I was under the impression you were here to inform me about my acceptance to your school."

"Yes," said Professor McGonagall tersely. She turned to where Butler was standing by the door, discreet yet watchful. "I wonder if we may we speak privately?"

"Butler is aware of the nature of your community, as are my parents. They are the only ones who've been informed. I trust this hasn't violated your terms of secrecy?"

Artemis' number one rule: do not attempt to double cross an unknown enemy.

Professor McGonagall frowned, considering him. "No," she said slowly, looking from Butler to Artemis and back again. "So long as the information remains between the four of you; it is always preferable that facts of such a sensitive nature be kept within the immediate family. You should tell others about your wizardry solely on a need-to-know basis. You would do well to pass this warning along to your parents. The Ministry of Magic does not tolerate wizards who flaunt their magic to Muggles; there are severe consequences for those who do." She paused to allow the message to sink in.

"I'm sorry, did you say 'Muggles'?" Artemis inquired.

"Yes, Muggles. 'Muggle' is a term for an individual who does not possess any magic." Professor McGonagall took a seat on the small couch and gestured to the chair beside it. "Please take a seat. It seems we have more to discuss than I thought," she said. Artemis obeyed, ignoring the fact that he had been offered a seat in his own house by a complete stranger. "Now, at what point did you first begin displaying signs of magical talent?"

"Approximately four months ago," he replied, neglecting to mention the fact that this dubious magical talent had conveniently manifested after a trip to another dimension with two demon warlocks and an elf. Nothing the woman had said indicated that her race of wizards was at all related to that of the fairies, and if they were as ignorant about the People's existence as other humans, Artemis wasn't going to be the one to blow their secret. The professor didn't seem to think there was anything strange about a child randomly performing acts of magic. The only thing that was strange, Artemis gathered from her perplexed expression, was that it hadn't happened at the right time. He wondered if he was too old or too young to become a wizard.

Professor McGonagall asked several more questions: what sort of magic had he performed? How frequently did it happen? At the time, had he been able to control what was happening? Artemis answered them all as best he could, strategically leaving out any fairy-related bits, making it sound like he had awoken one day and, to his surprise, could perform magic. Professor McGonagall listened to him raptly, nodding at his answers. If she found anything about his story unlikely, she didn't show it. When she had finished interrogating him, she leaned back in her seat and sighed, fixing Artemis with an expression the boy couldn't quite read.

"Well, Master Fowl, despite your delayed magical development, I have little doubt that you indeed belong at Hogwarts."

"Oh? Why wouldn't I?"

The Professor fixed him with intense scrutiny. "You should know that most wizard children begin displaying their powers between the ages of four and seven, some late bloomers at perhaps nine or ten. They begin with uncontrolled explosions and the like, accidents brought on by moments of high emotion, such as anger or fear. Young witches and wizards generally begin attending Hogwarts at the age of eleven or twelve. Frankly, I have never heard of a situation such as yours. Had your magic shown itself earlier, you would likely be in your fourth year of training. Regardless, the magic you have displayed since then seems appropriately developed compared to other wizards in your age group, and your ability to exert some control over it on your own suggests that, with a great deal of practice, you could catch up with them, possibly before the start of term."

Professor McGonagall rose and began pacing. "I shall need to speak with the headmaster, of course, and some of the other teachers, but I would like you to begin your magical studies immediately, and perhaps arrange for someone to stop by regularly to help you along and monitor your progress. I will need to speak to your parents about this as well."

Artemis nodded, but something was bothering him. "The way you've described it, I get the impression that Hogwarts is a boarding school? Suppose I should choose not to attend. It's quite a lot to think about, you understand. How frequently would I be able to come home?"

The thought of leaving home for months on end, so soon after he'd disappeared for nearly three years, depressed Artemis. His parents had been so overjoyed at his return they'd insisted that he enroll in a local high school instead of taking another year at St. Bartleby's. Did he really want to go off to another boarding school now, when he finally had the chance to spend time with the family he'd barely begun to get reacquainted with? Did he even have a choice?

Artemis noticed Professor McGonagall was looking at him closely. When she spoke, her words were less clipped than usual and. "Hogwarts is indeed a boarding school. You would be sleeping in a dormitory with your peers, and you would come home for two and a half months for summer break, and for two weeks over Christmas." She paused and tapped a foot while she thought of how to put her next words. "It is not unheard of," she began. "Uncommon, but not unheard of, for some wizarding children not to experience formal schooling. Sometimes their families will homeschool them, or hire a private tutor. However, this normally occurs in old wizarding families where the parents can prepare their children for life in wizarding society. We strongly recommend that Muggle-born children go to Hogwarts so they will have adult wizards to answer any questions about their studies and about magic in general. Very, very few do not. Without proper training, a young witch or wizard might find that his or her powers have exceeded the limits of their control. Naturally, the sort of mayhem this causes often results in their accidentally revealing their abilities to Muggles, in which case the Ministry of Magic must become involved. Besides," she continued. "In our centuries of secrecy, wizards have formed a fairly large international community. We believe that young sorcerers should be made fully aware of all their options before they choose to ignore such a large, ingrained part of themselves." She didn't quite smile, but her expression seemed sympathetic. "Magic is a natural part of you," she assured him, a direct blow to Artemis' guilty conscience. "You really should take the chance to turn it into something useful."

Then Professor McGonagall turned to Butler, purely professional once more. "I will need to speak to Mr. or Mrs. Fowl, preferably both." Butler looked to Artemis, who nodded, and slipped out of the room. Artemis took a deep breath and slouched in his chair, feeling conflicted. One spontaneous decision to embrace the fairy magic, and once again, the world as he knew it had been spun on its axis.

_What in the world have I gotten myself into?_


	3. 3 Artemis' Confession

The Fowls and Professor Mcgonagall sat in a half circle in the sitting room for a half hour while the professor explained the rudimentary principles of Hogwarts and answered many, many questions.

"Hogwarts was founded in the mid-sixteenth century, designed specifically to help young wizards like Artemis learn to channel their magic and utilize it in a productive manner," she explained. Artemis Sr. was leaning forward with interest, hanging on her every word, but Angeline still looked hesitant about the whole affair. Mr. Fowl had been quizzing the teacher since the moment she'd finished her initial presentation of Hogwarts, and Artemis Jr. got the impression that she wasn't accustomed to the parents of her prospective students asking quite so many technical questions about magic. But nor did she seem to find their interrogation tiresome. On the contrary, her stern demeanor became more animated with every question they asked. Artemis' main concern was that his parents would accidentally reveal something to Professor McGonagall about the true nature of his magic. He wondered if Butler had had the forethought to remind them not to mention the People. Currently, Professor McGonagall was attempting to explain the way wands assisted wizards with their spell-casting.

"You see, with a physical object through which they focus their magic, young wizards learn to focus on the _means_, rather than the ends of the spells they attempt. The wand's magical core acts as a conductor through which the energy flows. The process is not unlike that of metal in the way that it conducts your...elec-_tric_ity? Did I pronounce that correctly? Eventually, as students progress to more advanced levels, they begin to practice wandless magic, but few ever perfect it. It requires far more concentration, so of course, most wizards prefer the comfort of using their wands and continue to do so their entire lives."

"So, if Artemis is to attend Hogwarts, he'll need a wand of his own? Is that correct?" asked Angeline uncertainly.

"Indeed. It should be on his supply list." Artemis took the list out of his pocket and handed it to his father, whose eyebrows shot up as he scanned the sheet.

"And, where exactly does one go to find a wand, cauldron, _dragon hide_ gloves..."

"You can find everything he needs in Diagon Alley. It's a wizarding shopping district in London, we recommend that students from non-magic families go there for all their school supplies, since everything is conveniently in one place. I can even ask someone to accompany you on your first visit, if you wish.

"Now, about Artemis' age setback... I believe that if he begins intensive training immediately, and works hard for the remainder of the summer, he might be suitably caught up to join the other fourth year students for classes by September. I would like to have him work with a tutor, or perhaps several, to see how he does with some beginner's coursework..."

Artemis and his parents agreed to the tentative plan, and Professor McGonagall told them to expect her again on Wednesday at noon. Then she bid them farewell and departed. Artemis' parents left to go discuss his future, and Artemis remained on the couch, chewing the inside of his lip and deep in contemplation. Butler returned from escorting Professor McGonagall to the front door in a state of mild shock. She had given him a courteous goodbye, taken five steps down the front drive, and vanished with a noise like a muffled gunshot.

"Can you do that?" he asked Artemis, unusually enthusiastic, after explaining the incident. "Just..." he snapped his fingers. "Bam! Gone." He shook his head appreciatively.

Artemis frowned. "I don't know. I've never tried. But so far as I know, none of the People can do it, so I expect I can't either."

"Ah, well, maybe that's a good thing. My job would be a lot harder if you could just vanish to God-knows-where whenever you wanted."

Artemis sighed, and Butler sat down next to him. It wasn't very like Artemis to be unhappy when he had a mysterious new puzzle to think about. It wasn't every day you discovered a whole secret society existing just beyond your doorstep, after all, though of course for Artemis it seemed to happen more often than for most people.

"Something bothering you, Master Artemis?" Butler ventured. "You don't seem very pleased about the situation."

"I'm not," he said shortly. Butler had just resigned himself to the fact that Artemis wasn't going to tell him any more when the boy took a deep breath. "I'm rather concerned, to be honest," Artemis admitted after a while, massaging his temples. "The thing is, I don't know how different fairy magic is from that of wizards...No human has ever stolen magic from the fairies before. What should happen if I go off to this school and someone realizes my abilities aren't the same as everyone else's? I can't go. Not if there's a chance that I might blow the fairies' cover in the process. If only I had some sort of precedent to follow..." Artemis trailed off. Performing even the slightest bit of magic, accidental or not, always gave him splitting headaches and left him fatigued afterward. Once Professor McGonagall had convinced him of wizards' existence, he had been hopeful that someone at Hogwarts might be able to teach him to deal with these side effects. Now he realized that this hope was a foolish one. Everyone at Hogwarts had been born with the ability to do magic; they likely didn't suffer from it the way he did.

Butler listened with sympathy. "You know what you really should do, Artemis," he said gently, as his principle wasn't always appreciative of suggestions. But Artemis already knew what Butler was going to tell him. "You should tell Holly and Foaly that you still have your magic... It would be in the best interest of everyone involved, and you know if anyone can tell you more about your... well... condition, it's probably Foaly."

Artemis nodded silently. What Butler said was true, and anyways, it wouldn't be right if he went off to Hogwarts without consulting the People first. Artemis couldn't help feeling that, although it was his body the magic currently occupied, it still didn't truly belong to him. It would be selfish to recklessly jeopardize the fairies' secrecy by flaunting their own magic to people who might recognize it as something foreign, and thus arouse their curiosity. That would be just as irresponsible as when he'd boasted the C Cube to Jon Spiro without a thought for the possible consequences, and Artemis was not about to make the exact same mistake a second time.

Butler rose and patted him on the shoulder. "You think it through. Don't worry, I'm sure you'll make the right decision. I'm going to go start dinner, it's Mauricio's day off..." And he left the young genius to his thoughts.

Artemis sighed and climbed the stairs to his bedroom to make the call to Holly. He activated his communicator and felt bad for pestering her when she finally answered. "Hello, Artemis," she said wearily. "What do you want?" Artemis could see that she was still at the office, despite the fact that it must be well past quitting time. He wondered if she was there by herself.

"Hello, Holly. I apologize for interrupting you again, you look terribly busy, but this is rather important. Is Foaly there?"

Holly snorted, rubbing her bloodshot eyes. "Foaly? Foaly used to practically live in the Ops Room. You had to drag him home. But he's a married man now, you won't catch him around here after hours..." She grimaced. "I don't mean to sound bitter. I'm really happy for him. I'm just stressed is all, and it's just me here..." Then Holly perked up a little. "Hey, I don't think anyone's told you the big news... Caballine's pregnant! Foaly's gonna be a daddy! Can you believe it?" She grinned.

"Wow, really? That's really exciting!" said Artemis, a little bit surprised to find that he was genuinely excited for them.

"Yeah! She's already twelve months along!"

"Twelve months? Exactly how long is a fairy's gestational period?" he asked, completely distracted from the point of his call.

"A year, for any fairy that's not a centaur. But centaurs take longer, more like 18 months, I think. Something about having four legs... Anyway, she's huge."

"Yes, that makes sense..." Artemis mused. "Their physiological structure must be infinitely more complex... Tell him I said congratulations..."

"I will, I will. But sorry, I didn't mean to get so off topic. Didn't you say this was important?"

"What?" said Artemis. He was still entertaining mental images of baby Foalies, frolicking around and hacking into secure systems. "Ah, right. Yes, it certainly is. My letter. Hogwarts. Professor McGonagall-"

"Okay," said Holly, amused. "Let's try that again, using complete sentences this time."

Artemis glared at her and took a breath. "The woman who sent me the strange letter this morning - Professor McGonagall - came to visit me today, claiming to be a representative from a school of magic called Hogwarts."

Holly stared at him. "And... she was a human?"

"From what I could tell, yes. Though she calls herself a witch, and informed me that I am a wizard."

Holly stared some more, looking increasingly skeptical. "Artemis, are you having me on?"

"Yes," he snapped. "Because I have nothing better to do than call you repeatedly to make up some nonsensical tale about owls and witchcraft. You've known me a while, does that seem like my sort of humor? Because if you think so, then perhaps-"

Holly held up her hands in surrender. "Alright, alright, you wouldn't joke about that, got it! No need to bite my head off. Sheesh, you'd think I accused you of bank robbery or something..." she smirked.

Artemis sighed. "I'm sorry, I've been somewhat irascible all afternoon. I know it all seems fantastical. But I do need you to believe me on this one."

"Okay. So what you're saying is...there are humans with the ability to do magic? Like, a whole community of them? I find that kind of hard to believe..."

"Well, you know, Holly, there are plenty of people who would find the idea of a magical race of diminutive creatures living underground a bit implausible, but it just goes to show..."

"Yeah, I guess so... Well, did...Professor McGonagall, was it? Did she actually _prove _that she could do magic?"

Artemis frowned. "No. She said that it would be illegal and irresponsible of her to perform a spell unnecessarily in a Muggle dwelling...That's what wizards call non-Magical humans, by the way, 'Muggles'. She did show me her wand, though, and told me I'd need one to go to Hogwarts. And Butler said she disappeared after he walked her out... You really should have seen the way she was dressed! She had on a- Are fairies at all familiar with what a stereotypical human witch looks like?"

"Um. I've seen the wizard of Oz? Green skin, big nose, pointy hat... Unless she was a _good_ witch, 'cause then of course she'd wear something sparkly..." Holly began to chuckle.

"Well, imagine a normal-looking older human woman in the Wicked Witch's clothing, hat and all. It was actually quite impressive," said Artemis. He could feel himself starting to smile.

"Well did you offer her a glass of water? Maybe she'd melt. Watch out for her flying monkeys!" At 'flying monkeys,' a severely punch-drunk Holly had doubled over in hysterics.

"Captain Short," Artemis groaned, even though he was grinning, too. "You are supposed to be taking this seriously. This is a matter of utmost importance, here."

"Okay, okay, I am," she gasped, wiping a tear from her eye. "Frond, everything's funny when you're running on four hours of sleep, give me a break... Okay, back to business. So, Professor-McGonagall-the-Stereotype sent you an owl, dropped by, invited you to wizard school, showed you her magic wand, and vanished. Correct?"

"Correct."

"Well, I find it highly suspicious...If there was a large population of humans hanging around doing magic, I feel like we'd already know about it..."

"Unless, of course, wizards are just as secretive as fairies and every bit as capable of hiding themselves," Artemis argued.

"I guess... But if Hogwarts was real, I don't really see why they'd be coming to recruit you. You don't have magic... Unless maybe... Wait. What if something alerted them in those few hours when you were helping with the time tunnel? Because otherwise I don't see how Hogwarts would be able to track down it's potential students. I mean, they knew which bedroom was yours and everything."

Artemis shifted guiltily. "Ahem. You may be on to a valid theory about the magical alert. Professor McGonagall was very surprised to see that I was fourteen. She claimed that most wizard children begin performing magic at around seven years of age, and begin classes at Hogwarts at age eleven. She wants to tutor me so I can catch up with the other fourteen year-olds..."

Holly frowned. "Well you're just going to have to tell her you don't have magic, aren't you? How are you going to go to magic school if...?"

"Right, well, you see..." He felt strangely nervous about confessing, like a naughty child about to be reprimanded for swiping a cookie before dinnertime. It had been more than two years since he'd met her and Artemis still marveled at the ease with which his elfin friend could manipulate his conscience. "I may not have lost all of the magic I obtained in the time tunnel."

There was a long, shocked silence. "But..." said Holly slowly, tapping her one blue eye. "There was the eye swap, and you couldn't fix the size of yours because you said-"

"I might have been...mistaken." Holly narrowed her eyes at him and Artemis gave in. "Alright, I lied... But in fairness, I was only trying to avoid the Council intervention I was sure would follow when they realized that I was a threat to the People's security-"

"And they would've been right to do so!" Holly interrupted angrily, quickly overcoming her shock. "I can't _believe_ you, Artemis! D'arvit!_ Lying_ about something like that! And now you've got a bunch of weirdo human magicians turning up on your doorstep, and what are you planning to do when they realize- ?"

"I _know_, Holly. I know it's a risky situation, which is why I was willing to face your wrath and I called to tell you about it. I need your help with this, or at least some advice."

"Oh, NOW the great Artemis Fowl wants some help, eh? But _before, _ohh no, he completely knew what he was doing-!" Holly was still ranting in this manner and referring to Artemis in the third person three minutes later when she dialed Foaly. He answered on the third ring, looking to be in high spirits.

"Hey there, Holly! Ah, and the Mud Boy too! Charming!" He beamed. "How's it going? I see you're still slogging through the disaster area that is your office," he said, taking in the spectacle behind Holly.

"Hey Foaly," said Holly tensely. "Listen, the Mud Boy here was just telling me about something idiotic he's done, and-"

"Oh, so we're back to 'the Mud Boy' now, are we?" said Artemis.

Just then a giggle in the background distracted them from their bickering. "Who's calling, dear?" said a female voice in Gnommish. Seconds later a female centaur trotted into view. She had long, strawberry blonde hair with a red roan body, a plump torso, and a very pregnant belly. Black, square-frame spectacles were sliding down her long nose. Artemis thought the fairy half of her rather pretty, and thought that Foaly had done well for himself.

"Oh, hi Holly," she chirped. "How are-" she broke off and gasped as she noticed Artemis' face on the wall screen next to Holly's, clapping a hand over her mouth. "Oh my goodness! That's Artemis Fowl, isn't it? Oh! I've never seen a live human before!" Artemis smirked, basking in the notoriety.

"Well, technically, you're not seeing me live now, either," he said in perfect Gnommish. She looked delighted that he could speak it. "Nevertheless, it's a pleasure to meet you, Caballine. A belated congratulations on your wedding. And a not-so-belated congratulations on your..." Artemis broke off, unsure whether to call it a baby or a foal, and not wanting to be insulting. "...fetus," he finished awkwardly. Caballine laughed a high, whinnying laugh. Over on her own screen, Holly rolled her eyes at him.

"Thank you!" she said, half-turning to fondly pat her bulging side. Foaly went over and put an arm around her, a sappy grin on his face as he gazed at her with adoration. It was sweet to the point where Artemis felt a little sick to his stomach watching.

"Right, well, I'm sorry to interrupt your evening," said Holly.

"Oh, right. You were saying how Artemis did something stupid. Again." Artemis scowled.

"Yeah. Remember how I was telling you about the time tunnel, and how he somehow swiped some magic on the way to Limbo and that's how we had enough juice to get back here? And then we accidentally switched eyes on the way back, and I was like, 'Hey, why don't you use your magic to fix it?' and he was like 'I can't, looks like all my magic's gone,' so I fixed it instead?"

Foaly nodded. "Yeah..."

"Yeah well, turns out Mud Boy was just telling yet another _fib _to get his way, and he's still got fairy magic. And _now _there are apparently a bunch of humans who can do magic that want to recruit him to this _wizard school_. What do you think of that?"

"You didn't tell that story very well at all," muttered Artemis, annoyed at being talked about like he wasn't present.

Foaly and Caballine both stared at the pair like they'd sprouted tentacles.

"A bunch of humans who can do magic..." Foaly repeated, no longer quite so jovial. "But wouldn't we know about this?"

Holly shrugged. "Apparently not. They call themselves witches and wizards, and do their magic with wands."

"Actually, the headmaster is considered a 'warlock'," Artemis suddenly remembered. "Albus Dumbledore, Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorcerer, Chief Warlock, Supreme Mugwump, of the International Confederation of Wizards," he recited. "It was on my acceptance letter."

"Which was delivered by an owl, by the way," Holly added.

Suddenly a piercing alarm shattered the thoughtful silence, making everyone jump. "Oh for Frond's sake, I forgot all about dinner!" said Caballine, sniffing for smoke. "You have to tell me about everything later, Hon!" She galloped off to the kitchen as fast as her belly would allow, and in a minute or two the alarm stopped trilling.

"And what did you say this place was called?" asked Foaly once their ears stopped ringing, pulling a seat over to his computer.

"Hogwarts," said Artemis. "Spelled just like it sounds." Foaly's fingers flew over the keyboard as he performed a search of his system.

"Nothing," he said. "What was the guy's name? Albus _Dumbledore?" _Foaly was looking very serious, for once refraining from making his trademark smart-ass comments. "...Nothing on him either." The centaur chewed his tongue thoughtfully.

"I know," Artemis sighed. "There's nothing on any of the human networks either. It's like they don't even exist. Unless of course the name is an alias."

"Humans..._naturally _born with magic... This is going to worry the Council. I can't believe they've been hanging around for centuries and we've never encountered them before."

"But Foaly, how is it even possible that humans can perform magic? I thought it was supposed to be a physical impossibility..." said Holly, looking perplexed. "I took a course in cerebral magic at the academy, and the human brain has an underdeveloped Veneferum node..."

"It's true, they do. But of course it still _exists,_ so I suppose in theory-" Foaly noticed Artemis' mystified expression.

"I believe an explanation might be in order?" said the genius, not following a word of their discussion. "I've studied numerous texts on human brain function, and I've never even heard of anything called the Veneferum node..."

"Of course not. Human scientists haven't discovered it yet, it's absolutely miniscule in humans."

"Well, what does it do?"

Foaly sighed melodramatically. Despite his concern, the centaur was clearly taking great pleasure in being the one to lecture Artemis on a subject about which he was totally ignorant. "You see, Mud Boy, in fairies, the Veneferum node contains the potential energy that our bodies process in order to do magic. It sits right under the hypothalamus and connects to the brain stem, because it's a part of the visceral nervous system. That's how the magic automatically knows to take over in healing the body, even if a fairy's unconscious. It's sort of like breathing, in the sense that it's also controllable by the conscious mind. You can hold your breath, just like you can control your magic. Make sense?" Artemis nodded. "Centuries upon centuries ago, before fairies moved underground, everyone knew that humans could do magic. The very fact that you even have a Veneferum node at all is proof of that. But they evolved to the point where they became a vestigial structure. Or so we thought... My theory would be that these wizards cut themselves off from the other humans even before Taillte, just like we eventually did, and the social isolation caused them to interbreed and evolve separately. Fairy history says only that the humans capable of magic lost the ability over time, so I guess it's not so farfetched to believe they'd have their own schools... What I just don't get is why we haven't encountered them sooner."

"I don't think they're nearly as dependent on electricity as other humans, or fairies, for that matter. That's why we can't track them, they use magic for everything. I mean, they use _owls_ to deliver the post, for heaven's sake. They even have a separate government - in the UK, at any rate - the 'Ministry of Magic'. The woman who came to tell me all this, Minerva McGonagall, told me it was illegal for a wizard to perform magic in front of Muggles...That's the wizards' name for humans without magic, by the way."

"But the bottom line is, assuming this Hogwarts is a legit school of magic, and there really are witches and wizards interested in having Artemis go there... _What are we going to do about it?_ He's not a real wizard!" said Holly.

He scratched his chin. "I need to talk to the Council about this before we do anything... I should set up a meeting immediately. We don't have any idea what we're dealing with here. Of course, the good thing is that they don't seem to know anything about us, either, so we definitely have an advantage..."

"Right," said Artemis. "Only, Professor McGonagall is coming to the Manor again on Wednesday at noon. I'm supposed to meet with the people who will be tutoring me in wizardry over the summer. They'll probably want me to start practicing. What do you want me to do?"

"Hm. I'll have to get back to you on that one after the Council meets. I'll set the conference for first thing tomorrow. In the meantime, _don't do any magic._" Foaly let out his breath through clenched teeth and leaned back in his chair. "Never fails, huh Fowl? We have three long years without incident, and then the second you pop back into our dimension, wham bam, a whole new set of problems! You're a trouble magnet is what you are," he accused.

Artemis had no comment. The centaur spoke the truth.

Foaly agreed to contact them both once the conference was over and then signed off to go fill Caballine in on the situation over dinner. Holly had decided that she was done with her paperwork for the day and was going to go crash. She stiffly told him goodnight, and Artemis could tell she was still irritated with him. He hoped she would over it by tomorrow. He felt like he was going to need all the support he could get.

* * *

**A/N: Good? Bad? Ugly? Lemme know what you think**


	4. 4 Holly's Arrival

Tuesday dawned bright and early. Far too bright and early for Artemis' liking. He had neglected to shut his curtains prior to falling asleep and was woken by the first rays of sun as they came streaming through his window. Artemis irritably yanked the curtains shut and tried with all his might to fall back to sleep, but alas, his body was having none of it. Twenty minutes later he gave up and, grumbling, wandered into the kitchen to look for something to eat.

Even Butler wasn't awake yet, which just goes to show how ungodly an hour it really was. He made himself some tea and toast, ate it alone, and meandered back upstairs. He had no idea what to do with himself, and wished he could just fast forward his day to the part where Foaly called him with news of the Council's decision. He was too preoccupied to focus on anything. Artemis tried reading a new book, writing an article for an online science journal he subscribed to, and working on new software he'd designed for his mobile phone, but to no avail. His mind kept straying back to Professor McGonagall's visit, his talk with Holly and Foaly, and what the Council might possibly be discussing _right_ at this very moment.

Artemis had sent Foaly the security camera video recordings containing Professor McGonagall's visit, and subsequent disappearance, knowing that the Council would find stories of a population of magical humans unbelievable without any proof, especially if they came from him. Why hadn't the professor bothered to conceal her magical departure, if performing magic in front of Muggles was so strictly prohibited? She had seemed like a sharp woman, familiar with the basic elements of Muggle life. Surely she knew that she had been on camera. And then disappearing in plain view of Butler? It had occurred to Artemis that if he'd shown these video clips to anyone else, the obvious assumption would be that he had tampered with them, digitally altered or distorted them to make it seem like the woman had vanished. It would be like taking a picture of Bigfoot or the Loch Ness Monster - sensational, but widely discredited. Professor McGonagall knew no one would believe what they hadn't seen with their own eyes. Fortunately, Foaly had his ways of proving the footage's authenticity.

Furthermore, Artemis suspected she'd allowed Butler to catch her disappearance purely to demonstrate to him that she could, and with the expectation that he would mention it to the Fowls. Humans were skeptical by nature, and the professor had found a sneaky way to prove to them her abilities, and therefore her story, without technically breaking wizarding law. This amused Artemis; it seemed that underneath her orderly and straitlaced exterior, Professor McGonagall had something of a crafty streak.

Eventually Artemis pulled out his sketchbook. At least drawing would give him something to do with his hands while he let his mind wander. Artemis doodled for a bit, roughly illustrating the scene where he'd met Professor McGonagall as he remembered it: the tall, refined woman with her draping witch's garb, Butler's quiet suspicion, hovering in the background, his own wary curiosity. Then Artemis amused himself by sketching out a spontaneous self-portrait in which he was dressed in his own set of wizard's robes, pointed hat and all. The sketched Artemis looked awkward and uncomfortable in his bizarre apparel. The real Artemis chuckled and wondered if he would get used to looking ridiculous when he got to Hogwarts and was surrounded by dozens of similarly dressed people. Then his smile faded as he realized that he was already thinking in terms of "when he got to Hogwarts" instead of "_if_ he got to Hogwarts."

Finally the communicator buzzed. Artemis answered it before it had even finished its first vibration. The device's omnisensor interfaced with Artemis' sleeping laptop, and Foaly's grim face filled the screen, making Artemis anxious.

"Well Foaly? What's the verdict?"

Foaly looked at him soberly. "It's not good, Mud Boy."

"Honestly? Why? What did they decide?"

"The Council has decided that the situation is far too dangerous. They want you executed immediately."

Artemis' eyes widened in shock. Whatever he'd been expecting, that wasn't it. "_What? _Are you joking?_"_

Foaly looked at him gravely for a full minute before bursting into laughter. "Of _course_ I'm joking! Oh _Frond,_ you totally bought that! You should have seen your _face!_ Oh_ geez_ was that priceless..."

Artemis was not at all amused. "Oh, yes, hysterical. Allow me a moment to restart my heart, you utter moron..."

Still chuckling, Foaly said, "I am so gonna screen-capture that one. I'll send you a copy. All right, I got my kicks, wanna hear the real decision now?"

"_Please, _do tell," Artemis ground out through clenched teeth.

"Okay, well, frankly, I thought they were going to insist we bring you underground for some testing to figure out how to make you normal again. Probably stick a needle in you and let the magic drain itself out, see how that turned out. And for a while it looked like that was the general consensus. But then Vinyaya spoke up, said that we should send someone in to check out the wizard situation." Foaly was studying Artemis, searching for a crack in his poker face.

"And?" Artemis prompted, raising an eyebrow.

"And," Foaly said slowly, drawing out the suspense, "the Council wants to recruit you as our insider. Sort of like an honorary recon member. They want you to go to Hogwarts and, well, just report back every few days to tell us if you've found out anything that would be of interest to us."

"Really? So the People want me to spy for them..." Artemis mused aloud, rubbing his chin.

Foaly nodded. "You'll blend in far more easily than a fairy, so you'll probably be able to gather more information. Of course, Holly would be accompanying you, as a recon agent of Section Eight."

"They want to have a back up in case I'm found out?" Artemis guessed.

"Yep," said Foaly. "If you should get into any trouble, she'll be nearby to help you out, and perform mind wipes as necessary. Plus," he smirked. "The Council admitted that the two of you 'make a good team.'"

Choosing to ignore the implications of Foaly's little comment, Artemis nodded. "I see. So what am I to do about these tutoring sessions?"

"Don't worry about it. Holly's taking a shuttle up to the surface right now to bring you a fiber optics cord so I can access the Manor's video feed, and then she's going to stay to supervise your meeting with the McGonagall woman tomorrow.

"A fiber optics cable?" Artemis' eyes narrowed. "That gives you an awful lot of free rein with our security system, as I'm sure you already know."

Foaly gave a long-suffering sigh and rolled his eyes melodramatically. "The Council said that I have to promise to use the feed for nothing but strict observation," he said grudgingly.

Artemis smirked. "Good. Because I will find out about it should you break your promise."

"Yeah, yeah. "

"Furthermore, a spoken promise is not the same as a signed legal contract. You have access to my fax machine, I'm sure. I will expect one before that optics cable comes within a hundred meters of our network."

"I figured as much. I'm working on it."

"Excellent." Artemis folded his hands together and smiled pleasantly. "Now, about the remuneration for my compliance... "

Foaly's mouth opened in shock as he glowered at Artemis. "_What?_ You're joking, right?" Artemis Are you serious, Fowl? The whole damn reason you're going there is because _you're_ the one who decided to steal fairy magic in the first place!"

Artemis continued blithely. "Since the People would otherwise be ignorant of the existence of wizards, and since I, an untrained human civilian, am putting my personal safety in jeopardy for the sake of your mission, I imagine that the Council's immense gratitude for my forewarning will surely encompass two metric tons of blank gold ingots, plus any related school-related expenses. I suppose in light of the demons' recent return and consequential rehabilitation, there's been something of a strain on the People's treasury, so my apologies in advance when your budget is significantly downsized."

Foaly looked nearly apoplectic with horror at the prospect. "You- You can't _do _that! Two _tons!_ _Downsized?_ Good gods, my funding would be cut in _half! _Do you know what'll happen if- !"

Artemis watched Foaly's tirade with quiet pleasure, a wolfish smile spreading on his face. He waited until Foaly seemed on the verge of a breakdown before interjecting calmly, "You know, there's an old adage we humans use for moments just like this. It goes, _payback is hell._ Trite, I know, but appropriate. I'll make you a deal: I won't joke about your funding for so long as you don't joke about attempts on my life. Anyway, Butler doesn't like it when people do that. I would probably avoid it if I were you."

Foaly looked shrewdly at Artemis. "That wasn't funny," he snapped, pointed ears laid back in irritation.

Artemis shrugged, still grinning. "I'll send you the screen-capture. I suppose I will talk to you later," he said. "I will be waiting for you to send our security contract."

"Yeah, sure," Foaly grumbled, and terminated their connection. Artemis relished the lingering feeling of petty triumph.

Not half an hour later his fax machine beeped and a two-page document printed. Interestingly, Foaly had managed to make the human-manufactured machine print in Gnommish, which Artemis assumed was just the centaur's way of making him work that much harder deciphering it. No sooner had Artemis reviewed, signed, and faxed the contract back to Foaly, then there came a knocking on his window. He pulled aside the curtains to reveal nothing but empty air. Artemis smiled and opened the window.

"Hello," he said to the emptiness.

"Hello yourself," the emptiness responded. "Shove over and let me in."

Artemis moved aside and the invisible Holly fluttered over the windowsill, unshielding as soon as her feet touched the carpet. She put up her visor and beamed at Artemis; the flight from the shuttle port to Fowl Manor had put her in a wonderful mood. It had been a long six weeks since she'd last been on a surface flight, and it felt fantastic after being cooped in her office. She jumped onto Artemis' bed to give him an enthusiastic hug around the waist.

"How's it going?" Holly murmured into his chest. "You look like hell," she added, taking a step back and noting the tiredness in his eyes.

"I'm alright. Didn't get enough sleep is all," Artemis replied.

Holly pulled off her helmet and massaged the tips of her ears. "No? Lot going on, I suppose." She rummaged around in her knapsack and pulled out a plain-looking black coil of cable. "Here's your fiber optics gizmo," she said.

"Ah, right. I'll attach it later." Artemis put the cable on his bedside table and plopped down on the comforter next to Holly.

"So," she began. "How are you feeling about the whole us-going-to-Hogwarts plan? Foaly already debriefed you on that, yes?"

Artemis nodded. "He did... I'm not sure how I feel, to be perfectly honest."

Holly smiled. "Wow, perfectly honest? Not _almost_ honest, or _sort of_ honest?" she teased. Artemis grimaced. It wasn't very characteristic of him to confide in people about his misgivings, even with good friends like Holly. He'd never been a very emotional sort of person, and he typically prided himself on this fact. Yet these bouts of honest emotion seemed to be occurring with greater and greater frequency, especially since his journey through the time tunnel. He still struggled with putting his feelings into words, though. That part of him hadn't changed. He carefully considered how to best phrase his next sentence.

"It's like a part of me is thrilled to be starting another big adventure, you know? Solving another mystery and all, it's truly fascinating. But still... well... I sort of wish I could just spend some time at home for once, now that everyone's where they are supposed to be. No worrying about rescue missions or illnesses or kidnappings. Just... being normal, I suppose."

Holly nodded, understanding completely; as much as she loved the challenge of being a recon elf, sometimes, on days when it had been slow with no catastrophes to speak of, she went home feeling a sense of utter peace and contentment. Of course, living alone, this feeling often preceded periods of unspeakable boredom. But she imagined it would be different if she had a family of her own, like Artemis now did. She clapped her human friend on the shoulder.

"I don't think 'normal' is ever going to be a word to describe you, Artemis. But I get where you're coming from. I can see how it would kind of suck to have to leave again so soon. You'll be back in no time, though. Christmas break and all that jazz. You're really helping us out here, I want you to know. Agreeing to do this."

Artemis shrugged and smiled ruefully. "I suppose it was my fault, after all, as Foaly was kind enough to remind me."

Holly laughed. "Well yeah, it kind of was." The way she said it told Artemis that he was forgiven for his prior deception.

"Foaly also tells me you will be monitoring my meeting with Professor McGonagall and my future tutors tomorrow? Where are you planning to stay the night?"

"Well," said Holly, a little sheepishly. "I was kind of planning on asking if maybe you had any place for me here. But I don't want to guilt you into letting me stay here or anything. I can't shield while I sleep, I get it if that would cause problems with your parents and all," she said quickly. "I was just planning to kip outside some place, I've got a sleeping bag." She chuckled at Artemis' pained expression. "Not everyone considers camping as repulsive as you do, Master Fowl."

"Still, that's a ridiculous notion. Of course you can stay here, there's more than enough room. My parents won't mind. Actually," he hesitated, looking sort of hopeful. "They would probably love to meet you, if you have no objection. You know both Butler and I have already told them about all of our... escapades. My brothers, though, are a different story. You would need to watch your step when they're around."

Holly sighed. "I don't know if that's such a good idea, Artemis." She felt weirdly nervous at the prospect of meeting the esteemed Mr. and Mrs. Fowl. They might be Mud People, but they were still high society. Despite having saved both their lives, Holly knew very little about them, other than the fact that Artemis Sr. was infamous for heading an international criminal empire, but had supposedly gone straight since his run-in with the Russian Mafia, and that Angeline was known for her generous donations to charitable organizations and lavish social functions. Despite how it looked on paper, Holly knew that financial generosity was not always indicative of a pleasant nature.

Holly rarely interacted with the upper crust of society, and had never been to anything that could be termed a "function". She imagined it would be terribly awkward.

"No? Why not? I assure you, they are every bit as trustworthy as myself. Actually, probably more so." He smiled. "They would love the opportunity to thank you for all you've done for our family. You could have dinner with us tonight? We could ask the chef to prepare something vegetarian," Artemis coaxed.

Holly groaned. "Artemis... But... This is supposed to be _secret._ I should really be laying low for this mission. I can just go find a nice little clearing to sleep in and- "

Artemis looked her in the eye and smirked, knowing that he'd get his way. "You don't really think my family would reveal you, do you? Surely you wouldn't be so rude as to deny our hospitality?"

"Oh d'arvit..." Holly swore, a wave of anxiety washed over her at the thought of dining in such a formal setting, with people of immense wealth and influence. She knew that Mud People, especially rich ones, liked using dozens of utensils to eat a single meal, and she could see herself doing something embarrassing like confusing her salad and dessert forks or something equally ridiculous. Artemis would probably find it hysterical, having been raised to observe such inane niceties. What if Mr. and Mrs. Fowl turned out to be stereotypical upper class snobs?

Artemis watched her inner debate with amusement, wondering at how the fieriest, most strong-willed female he'd ever met, who fearlessly raced forward to look death in the face over and over again, could be so utterly filled with dread over a simple little thing like a dinner party.

"Okay," said Holly eventually. "Fine. You win. I'll meet your parents."

Artemis smiled victoriously. "Aha. Excellent." He shifted uncomfortably, looking out of his element, and Holly knew he was about to attempt something emotional again. She braced herself. "You know, I do appreciate your agreeing to do this. It will mean a lot to my parents. If you hadn't- ...well, what I mean... without you, our family would have broken apart years ago. So, thank you," he said sincerely.

Holly was embarrassed. "Geez, Artemis. I'm just meeting your parents. I don't mind all that much..."

"It's more than that, though. I know I've thanked you before, but- well, it bears repeating." Artemis shook his head to clear it of the bad memories. "I apologize, I didn't mean to become so sentimental. I'll leave my little speech at that, then, shall I?"

"Good idea," Holly laughed and the tension was dispelled. So when's this dinner you've guilted me into suffering through?" she said, hanging her head with the look of a martyr.

"Six thirty," said Artemis, grinning. "We generally eat in the dining hall."

"Fine," she grumbled. "But I'm not changing out of my LEP suit."

* * *

**A/N: Am looking for constructive criticism, as always!**


	5. 5 Breaking the News

At six twenty-four exactly, Holly emerged from the guest bedroom she'd holed up in, rested, showered and dressed, not in her LEP suit as she'd promised (or threatened, rather) but in a shimmery brown skirt and deep red top that Artemis recognized as having once belonged to a six year-old Juliet. Her damp hair curled around the scarf she'd donned to cover her pointed ears, her auburn crew cut having officially grown out. Of course, the combat boots she'd paired with the outfit didn't quite match, but she looked rather lovely just the same.

Holly nervously fidgeted with her wrist computer. "Is this okay?" she asked Artemis, gesturing to Juliet's old clothes. "I chickened out of wearing my suit. I figured I should at least make some effort to look nice, since you guys are letting me stay at your house and all. But I didn't have any civilian clothes, so Butler said I could dig through these boxes of old stuff in your attic and, well, here they are..."

"No. I mean yes, of course they're okay. They're fantastic. You look very-... nice," said Artemis, turning slightly pink as he fumbled his compliment.

"The scarf doesn't look too stupid?" she demanded. "I had a hell of a time trying to figure out how I was going to cover my ears."

"Not at all. You could claim that headscarves are a cultural tradition underground. They'll be thrilled."

Holly rolled her eyes. "Is it weird that I find lying to your parents more unsettling than you do?"

"Probably. You and your pesky morals."

Too nervous even to gibe back at him, Holly sighed and set her jaw, like she was preparing to set off on a mission of the utmost gravity, and said, "Okay. Fine. Time to face the music."

Artemis smiled. "It will be fine. You are making this into a far bigger production than it needs to be. My parents will like you, don't worry."

"Mhm. If you say so."

"I do say so. And you know I'm never wrong. Cease the negativity. Come on, and try to keep your voice down. Myles and Beckett have already been put to bed."

Artemis led her down the stairs and through the corridors. It was a strange experience for Holly, and one that went against all of her training: wandering around a human dwelling in civilian clothing, fully visible, with no helmet and no weapon available. She knew that it was silly; she was completely welcome in the manor, after all, but she still disliked feeling so defenseless. Artemis kept turning to give her strange looks and she had to remind herself that sneaking around corners secret agent-style was not necessary.

Finally they emerged from the labyrinth of corridors and reached the dining room.

"Mother, Father? I'd like you to meet a friend of mine..." He waved Holly over, giving her an encouraging smile.

Taking a deep breath, Holly ventured inside to find Angeline and Artemis Sr. beaming at her in a very non-threatening manner. She got the impression that Artemis didn't often introduce his friends to them. Or perhaps more accurately, Holly realized, Artemis had never before had any friends for them to be introduced to. He had clearly informed them of her arrival while she was in the shower; they didn't look like they'd been doing anything but sitting around waiting to meet her.

The Fowls studied the elf with as much curiosity as she did them. _So_, she thought. _These were the people who had raised an ingenious, scheming, cold-hearted fairy-knapper_. Somehow, sitting there grinning and friendly, they didn't seem like the type.

"Er, hello." Holly's throat was dry and she was irrationally afraid that her nerves would somehow interfere with her English speaking.

Last she'd seen Artemis Sr., he had been scarred, unconscious and emaciated, and at thirteen Artemis Jr.'s face hadn't yet lost its youthful roundness. But now the genius had had another year's worth of growth, Holly could see that he'd clearly inherited his looks from his father's side of the family. Holly wondered if this was also where Artemis had picked up the habit of wearing a suit to breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Artemis' mother, on the other hand, was beautiful in a classic, understated sort of way - all willowy gracefulness, cinnamon brown hair and sky blue eyes that showed the beginnings of crow's feet. She was dressed in a casual but elegant - and undoubtedly expensive - blue summer dress, and though she would never have admitted this to anyone, Holly was privately glad that she'd decided to dress up a bit for the occasion. She smoothed her skirt apprehensively.

_Oh Frond, a _skirt... _If only the recon boys could see me now, _she thought, praying that she could find a way to erase the surveillance footage of tonight before Foaly could use it in some villainous capacity.

Angeline floated over to her and knelt to clasp Holly's hand in her own. "Captain Short, it's such a pleasure to make your acquaintance. Arty's told us so many wonderful things about you, and all you've done for us," she said. Any doubts Holly might have had about Mrs. Fowl's kindhearted nature began melting away. It wasn't in her nature to trust humans, but sincerity seemed to radiate from this woman as naturally as light from the sun. Even her keen elfin ears couldn't detect a false note in Angeline's warm reception.

"Oh, please, call me Holly," she said, feeling a dark blush spread over her cheeks. "And, er, thank you for letting me stay here a little while."

Artemis Sr. stepped forward next to shake Holly's hand as well, laughing genially. "Listen to her," he said with amusement. "It's we who ought to be thanking you. We understand that none of us would even be here to talk to you right now if it weren't for your good will. The Fowls are very much in your debt, Captain. It's the least we can do to give you a place to sleep."

Holly smiled, now completely embarrassed by his formality. "Well, thanks just the same."

"Here, come sit. Salad will be out shortly. Would you care for a glass of wine?"

"Er, no, thank you."

"Not much for spirits, eh?"

"I'm afraid not. It's a fairy thing," she explained.

Artemis gave her a smug grin once his parents had turned away, clearly saying 'I told you so,' but all Holly cared about was getting through a three course meal without doing anything to embarrass herself.

She gritted her teeth, prepared to do what no law-abiding policewoman should think of doing and sat down to make polite small talk with Europe's most renowned crime lord.

xXx

Dinner with the Fowls was shockingly normal. The entire meal passed by without a single explosion, poisoning attempt or bomb threat. No armed assassins burst through the front door, although given the Fowls' extensive security precautions, Holly had come to believe that this happened on at least a biweekly basis. The salad was fresh and pesticide-free, the chef's eggplant parmigiana was delicious, and Holly's scarf didn't attract any amused stares.

The elf had held her breath for one tense moment when the chef had come out to serve dinner, but he'd looked at her without curiosity and simply asked her if she would like gravy on her potatoes. When one worked for the Fowls, a tiny brown woman in a headscarf was practically normal compared to some of the family's past dinner guests. So all in all, it was a success.

Artemis Sr. was pleasant but didn't do much talking, seeming content to let his wife take the reins in entertaining their houseguest, but he had the same air of quiet cognizance that his son took on when he was mentally dissecting a new acquaintance.

But Angeline Fowl was a skilled conversationalist and quickly banished any uncomfortable pauses with a question about Haven, Holly's job as a LEPrecon officer, and fairy society in general. Holly answered as generally as she could without being rude, simply relieved that she wasn't expected to carry on the chat herself. She was rather taken with Mr. and Mrs. Fowl, it was true, and Artemis had clearly already revealed a lot of information to them with his stories. But unlike Artemis, she was deeply uncomfortable talking about the People's secrets so casually.

Artemis broached the subject of Hogwarts over dessert.

He put down his spoon halfway through a positively sinful crème brulee and cleared his throat.

"Mother, Father, I must confess that Holly is not here on purely a social visit," he said.

His father looked at him calmly. "I rather thought not."

Angeline looked between her son and the fairy. Holly looked down into her dish. "No? Then what is the purpose of this visit, Artemis?" She had a hunch she knew what was coming, but was hoping she was wrong.

"Holly is here to monitor my interaction with the wizards, and," Artemis took a breath, bracing himself for his mother's disappointment, "to accompany me as I attend classes at Hogwarts this coming school year."

"But, Arty, are you sure about this?" asked Angeline. "You're going to go off to another boarding school now? I mean, we just got you back… Wouldn't it be best to think about this for a little while longer? Perhaps you could go next year instead."

"Mother, every year I delay is another year I fall behind my age group. It will be difficult enough catching up as it is."

"You don't think you're rushing into this? We only met this Professor McGonagall woman two days ago, and now you're planning to run off…" She looked pleadingly at her husband. "Timmy, help me out here, would you?"

Artemis Sr. drummed his fingers on the table. "What else is there to say?" he said finally. "Artemis, you know we want you to stay here with us. But, if you've truly decided that this is the best course of action, then I trust your judgment. You're old enough to be making your own decisions."

"Thank you, Father." Artemis didn't say anything about how he'd been making his own decisions for years now.

Obviously feeling betrayed and ganged up on, Angeline sullenly leaned back in her chair, biting her lip.

Holly felt rather bad for her. "Mrs. Fowl?" she spoke up. "I'm sorry, I don't want you to feel like I'm taking Artemis away from home. But… what he's doing is a tremendous help to the People. Our lives revolve around secrecy, and it's really important that we find out whether or not the wizards know about us, or if there's any danger that they might in the future."

Angeline nodded slowly. "I understand," she sighed. "I guess I'll just have to see as much of you as possible before September rolls around." She reached over to stroke Artemis' hair. "That's my boy," she said proudly. "Always going out of his way to help other people."

Holly started laughing, and all three Fowls turned to look at her. Angeline smiled, confused, and Holly realized with embarrassment that she had been serious.

"Er, oh… I thought… joking," she muttered, not quite able to achieve a straight face. Across the table, Artemis began sniggering along with her, and, laughter being contagious, his parents soon joined in, though they still didn't know what exactly was so funny.

* * *

**A/N: Okay guys, I have NOT abandoned this story, despite what it might have looked like, and I don't plan on it. My humble, humble apologies for how ridiculously late this chapter is. It's even worse because it's pathetically short, and nothing much happens in it. BUT, this is only because I had actually written a humongous gigantic beast of a chapter and then decided to chop it up into pieces, so the good news is, the second part will be up soon. Like, "within a week" soon, not "you might see it before 2011" soon. x.x**


	6. 6 So Here's the Game Plan

Holly spent the better part of the night tossing about on her fluffy goose down mattress, staring up at the ceiling and willing sleep to come to her. But decades of nocturnal habit proved difficult to ignore.

It seemed no sooner had she dozed off than her shrieking alarm startled her awake again. Holly dragged herself out of bed and put on her suit in a stupor, wondering if the Fowls considered breakfast a very formal affair, and finding that she didn't really care right that second. Thank Frond short hair didn't require much brushing. She knotted her headscarf over her ears and ventured out her bedroom door, where she found herself faced with three possible routes to the kitchen.

She stood there blinking in confusion for a solid minute, trying to remember how Artemis had led her here last night. She was pretty sure that going straight would take her around a corner to a bathroom and a utilities closet. If she went right, she would find the smaller of Fowl Manor's two libraries. …Or was that the way to Artemis' bedroom? She knew she had to pass Artemis' room to get to the main staircase… Oh, Frond. It was far too early for this nonsense.

After standing zombie-like at the crossroads for an inordinate length of time, Holly decided to head right. She set off down the corridor, took the next left on a whim, and was soon completely lost in the bowels of the manor. _D'arvit._ This shuttle-lag was messing with her internal compass.

She roamed the halls for ten minutes before pausing next to a suspiciously familiar painting of a bowl of fruit. Had she passed that painting before? Or did the Fowl family have an extensive collection of fruit images scattered about the house?

As Holly stood scratching her head, trying to break through her mental fog, someone giggled behind her. She spun around, whipping out her Neutrino, to find a pair of grinning Mud Children peering at her from under a ruffled tablecloth.

These, then, must be the newest additions to the Fowl clan, she thought. Myles and Beckett.

They grabbed each other, smiles turning to terror when they saw the gun in her hand.

"A-Are you going to shoot us?" squeaked the dark-haired twin, trembling in his dinosaur-print pajamas.

Holly quickly holstered the Neutrino, feeling guilty for scaring them like that. These were little kids, after all. _Really_ little kids, even by fairy standards. "No, no, I'm not, don't worry," she assured them. "You guys just startled me is all. I'm not going to hurt you."

"You promise?" asked the second boy, lower lip stuck out in an adorable pout.

"I promise."

"Okay then," he said cheerfully, shaking blond curls out of his eyes. His brother was not so quick to forgive.

"Who are you, and why are you in our house?" he demanded.

"Er," said Holly. What was she supposed to do? Mesmerize them? Shield and hope that they forgot about her? She ought to play it safe and go with the first option. The elf cricked her neck, preparing to call up the magic she needed to put them under. _But…_

She hesitated. The Fowls were being awfully nice to her. How angry would they be if they found out she was messing around with their kids' memories? Artemis would be rational about it, she was sure. But would his parents? Parents were weird about stuff like that.

And they were just so _cute_, all wide-eyed and innocent looking. She felt her resolve melting away.

"My name is Holly," she said.

"Yes, and?" said the brunette twin, rather rudely. Holly was struck by how much he resembled Artemis right that second, both in looks and attitude.

"I'm a friend of your brother's," she explained. "I just got a little lost on my way to the kitchen."

The blond one looked confused. He mumbled to himself for a while in whatever language it is toddlers speak, and it was all Holly could do not to coo and pinch his chubby little cheeks. It was a minute before she could figure out what he was saying.

"But… But… Holly is _little_. Artemis-… Artemis is only friends with grownups," he told her, pronouncing all his r's like w's. "Holly little, like Beckett!" He wiggled his way out from under the table, and when he stood up Holly saw that he was indeed within a half inch of her own height.

"Well, I'm sort of a special case. Is that your name? Beckett?"

"Me Beckett," he chirped, pointing to himself.

"Nice to meet you, Beckett," said Holly. "Then you must be Myles?"

"Yes," said Myles. He climbed out of his hiding place and cocked his head, looking at her warily. "Do you want us to show you how to get to the kitchen?" he asked.

Holly decided to take him up on this tentative offer of trust. "Yes, please. If you don't have anything important to do, of course."

Myles took this condition into serious consideration. "Well, I was gonna go to my room and work on some 'speriments until Miss Melody makes me stop…"

"'Speriments, huh? Who's Miss Melody?"

"Our nanny," said Myles, wrinkling his nose. "We don't like her, 'cause she always throws out my jars of mold unless I hide them real good, and she makes Beckett wear a diaper."

"Don't like diapers," Beckett muttered, picking at something orange that was stuck to his t-shirt.

Holly wrinkled her nose. "Your jars of mold. You're a… a really _interesting_ kid, you know that, Myles?"

Myles nodded, like he got this all the time.

"Well, I would love it if you showed me how to get to the kitchen."

"Okay. S'okay, I can do 'speriments at naptime." He smiled shyly and added in a conspiratorial whisper, "Sometimes I don't go to sleep at _all,_ but Miss Melody thinks I do, 'cause I put pillows under the covers. She always falls for it."

Holly gasped. "Ooooh. You could get in trooouubleee."

This made Myles giggle. "I know. Don't tell. C'mon. The kitchen is the other way. You went around in circles for a long time. We saw your feet walk by a lot."

Myles took her down the halls, past her guest room, and down the path Holly had first thought led to the library, Beckett trailing behind and singing his own off-key version of _Michael Finnegan _the whole way.

Soon she began to recognize things. A suit of armor here, a decorative vase there. She wouldn't get lost next time.

"_Myles and Beckett Fowl!_" came a woman's exasperated voice. The twins jumped, and Holly immediately shielded as a petite young woman came hurtling around the corner, drawn by Beckett's singing. "I have been looking _everywhere_ for you two! Come on now, enough playing around. Your mother wants to take the two of you shopping this afternoon." She took both boys by the hand and tugged them back the way they'd come.

"But Miss Melody, we have to show Holly how to get to the kitchen!" Myles protested, twisting around to look back down the hall. "She-… Where did she go?"

"Who is Holly?" asked the nanny, frowning.

"A girl!" said Beckett helpfully.

"She just vanished! Where did she go?"

"Sweetie, you can play with your invisible friend later. Right now we gotta go." Myles' eyes were wide as Miss Melody pulled him away to get dressed for their outing, and Holly heard him insisting, "But she was right there!" the whole way back to his bedroom.

But Holly knew now where she was, and made it downstairs and to the kitchen without further incident.

Artemis and Butler were the only ones there, the bodyguard at the stove flipping omelets, his charge sitting at the table reading the newspaper. Artemis glanced up and scanned her, noting her rumpled hair and tired eyes.

"Good morning," he said. "Sleep well?"

Holly grunted. "I am not in the mood to put up with your sarcasm right now, Artemis Fowl. I need caffeine before I can do that."

Butler handed her a mug of coffee without a word. Holly inhaled its aroma like an addict. "You're a saint, Butler," she said, taking a long sip.

"I do try. You want an omelet?"

Holly grimaced, hijacking Beckett's booster seat so she could sit comfortably at the table. "Thanks, but no thanks. Something about eggs grosses me out," she said. "Those things were going to be baby _chickens _before you cracked them open, you know."

Butler rolled his eyes. "Whatever you say, Captain," he said, passing Artemis a plate.

"Though technically, those particular eggs were never going to be fertilized anyway," Artemis commented. "Poultry farms keep the male birds separate from the egg-laying females; therefore, the eggs we buy from the market are sterile."

"Right," said Butler, who hadn't been listening. He turned to Holly. "So what would you like? We've got oatmeal, waffles, Poptarts, and about twenty different kinds of cereal."

"Oatmeal, you say?"

"Coming right up."

"Awesome, thanks."

Butler pulled out a pot to start some oatmeal, Artemis resumed checking up on the stock market, and Holly stared at the wall with glazed eyes for a very long time, mouth slightly open. She jumped when Butler set a steaming bowl in front of her.

"Thanks."

Butler sat down with an omelet himself, and Artemis closed the paper.

"So," he said. "Any further instructions from belowground regarding our assignment?"

"Nope," said Holly, blowing on a spoonful to cool it off. "Nothing more to it 'til we've got something to report. This is purely a reconnaissance mission. What time did you say they're showing up today?"

"Noon. We have an hour," he said, checking his watch.

"Okay. So let's recap, here. Your parents are taking the twins out for the day, right?"

"Correct."

"So no need to worry about them. What about that chef guy? Is he hanging around?"

"Édouard is in Meath visiting family until next Sunday."

"Where's Juliet? Is she sitting in on this shindig, too?"

"We thought it best, given the wizards' desire for secrecy, not to let on just how many people know about Artemis going off to this school," said Butler. "So she'll probably be camped out in front of the surveillance monitors."

"Is there anyone else in this house we need to worry about? Maids?"

"Maryanne and Colleen have both been given the day off, so no, that's everyone."

"Good. I can take this stupid thing off, then." She pulled off the scarf and stuffed it into the pocket of her uniform. "So what now?"

"Nothing to do but wait," said Artemis.

So wait they did.

xXx

Just as on the professor's last visit, the doorbell rang at twelve o'clock precisely.

"Game time," said Holly, powering up her shield and going to hover up near the ceiling. Artemis jumped up and started across the main hall.

Butler raised an eyebrow at this show of excitement. "You going to get the door, Master Artemis?"

Artemis paused mid-step. Chuckling, Butler brushed past him to go let the professor in.

Faintly embarrassed but hiding it well, Artemis took a moment to smooth his hair and compose an appropriately haughty expression before going to greet his guests. He could hear an invisible Holly sniggering at him somewhere to his left, and ignored her.

Butler opened the door to reveal four people, one of whom was Professor McGonagall. She was accompanied by a reedy-looking gentleman and two teenagers, one boy and one girl.

Professor McGonagall had dispensed with her witch's regalia and was uncomfortably attired in a long black skirt and a high collared white blouse. With her hair pulled back in the same tight bun as last time, she looked every inch Butler's original description of a strict Catholic schoolteacher.

"Good afternoon, Mr. Butler," she said.

"To yourself as well," he replied with a nod. "Do come in."

Artemis studied the rest of the group as they trouped in. Both the man and the girl were dressed very normally, in nice slacks and short sleeved polo shirts suitable for the balmy summer weather. The blond boy, however, was dressed in a set of black robes similar to those the professor had worn on her first visit, made of what looked like very fine fabric, fastened with a small but ornate silver clasp at a throat pale enough to rival Artemis'. The reedy man looked at the boy as though he disapproved of such garb, but said nothing.

The boy noticed Artemis' scrutiny and sneered at him. Artemis wondered if he'd ever had anyone take such an instant disliking to him before.

The girl gasped as she walked into the foyer, gaping at the Manor's vaulted ceiling and Gothic architecture. "Your house is absolutely beautiful!" she exclaimed. The strange man nodded his agreement, and again the blond boy bucked the trend of his companions by staring around, unimpressed.

"Thank you," said Artemis graciously. He led the four of them to the sitting room.

Artemis took a seat and watched as tiny feet left an inconspicuous trail of light indents in the plush carpet as their owner wandered over to stand next to Butler. Obviously, Holly didn't want to risk activating her wings in such cramped quarters. The footprints were barely detectable, but Artemis looked around to make sure no one else had noticed. The only one looking in that direction was the blond boy, who was staring, not at the footprints, but at Butler, and made sure to take a seat on the opposite side of the room. Artemis couldn't help smirking.

"Now, Mr. Fowl, to business. I approached Headmaster Dumbledore with the issue of your need for tutoring. As I'm sure you understand, it would be impractical to have the full faculty flying back and forth to instruct you in each individual subject. He requested instead that each teacher select the student they felt would be best equipped to assist you in learning their class material. And so, I take pride in introducing you to two of Hogwarts' top fourth year students."

She indicated the short, brown-eyed girl sitting next to her, whose bushy hair was struggling to escape the elastic she'd used to tie it back.

"Miss Hermione Granger has generously agreed to spend the rest of the summer instructing you in Charms, History of Magic, Astronomy, Herbology, and Transfiguration. As such, the two of you will be spending quite a lot of time together." Hermione gave him an excited little wave and a glowing smile. Artemis noticed that she could stand to benefit from an appointment with a good orthodontist.

"And Mr. Draco Malfoy here will be instructing you in Potions, Defence Against the Dark Arts, and Divination," she said. There was a flatness in her voice as she said this that told Artemis the professor was doubting the wisdom of some of her colleagues in this decision.

Malfoy continued to sit stiff and unsmiling, his arms crossed in front of him as if warding off any friendliness Artemis dared to offer. Hermione's eyebrows shot up when she heard this.

"He's taking _Divination?_ Really? But, professor, there are so many other subjects he could be studying... Is Divination really the most... _practical_ choice?" she asked Professor McGonagall, her skepticism evident. Artemis didn't say anything; being able to divine the future sounded plenty practical to him.

The professor sighed through her nose, and she spoke her next words delicately. "Its practicality notwithstanding, Miss Granger, learn it he will. As soon as Professor Trelawney learned Mr. Malfoy would be instructing Mr. Fowl in Potions, she informed the Headmaster of his extraordinary talent for Divination, and declared that it would truly be a shame for a new student not to receive the benefit of his tutelage. The Headmaster, for reasons unbeknownst to me, concurred."

Malfoy turned to Hermione and treated her to a sneer even more impressive than the one he had given Artemis.

"Does it shock you to hear that others excel at a subject you failed, Granger?" he drawled, making no effort to disguise the contempt in his voice.

Hermione sniffed. "I'm only surprised that, of all the subjects Artemis could be beginning, Divination would be one of them," she said. "It's not the most reliable of practices, is it? I just thought that if he was going to start an elective course, he might make better use of his time studying something else, is all. Or maybe even not start one at all and using the extra time to practice everything else. It's a lot to learn in such a short time, after all." She smiled at Artemis encouragingly.

"I'm certain it won't be a problem," said Artemis.

"Somehow I doubt that taking on an extra subject will make any difference in his - er - abilities_,_" said Malfoy snidely.

"What exactly are you trying to suggest, Malfoy?" Artemis' tone was icy but his expression remained neutral. He would need to settle a few matters with Draco Malfoy once they had a moment alone, but for now Artemis forced himself to remain calm. Confrontations could wait until later.

"_Mr. Malfoy, _you will kindly remember that you have a third year Potions grade depending on how well you carry out this assignment," snapped Professor McGonagall, giving the boy a sharp look out the corner of her eye.

"Well I don't see why I should be wasting my summer teaching an ignorant Muggle-born about things he won't understand anyway," he muttered.

The woman closed her eyes for a moment, bristling with the effort of not shouting at him. "Consider yourself _extremely _lucky that class is not in session right now, Mr. Malfoy, or I would have you scrubbing bedpans from now until December," she hissed. "Mind you keep a civil tongue in your head, boy." Unabashed, Malfoy resumed staring loftily out the window and didn't respond.

McGonagall pursed her lips at his insolence and turned back to Artemis, who was silently fuming behind his own mask of apathy. "Now, under ordinary circumstances, students spend their first two years mastering the basics of wizardry, and upon entering their third year are permitted to expand their schedules to pursue whatever other classes appeal to them. As Miss Granger has pointed out, Divination is the only one of your current subjects that extends outside of the compulsory course requirements. You may choose to take it as one of your electives in the coming school year, depending on how you take to it."

She gestured to the man sitting across from Hermione, who had been sitting inconspicuously throughout the entire conversation. "This is Mr. Trenton, of the Muggle Liaison Department of the Ministry of Magic. He is here to supervise the establishment of a magical perimeter in some area of your house."

Tall and slight Mr. Trenton came to life at the sound of his name, jumping up to shake Artemis' hand, his head bobbing. "Yes, indeed," he said, still pumping Artemis' arm. "A very special accommodation the Ministry is making for you, Mr. Fowl! Very special indeed. Of course, such a unique situation calls for a unique remedy!" Artemis wrested his hand away and flexed it behind his back. He had little patience for overzealous types like Mr. Trenton.

"This perimeter will allow the three of you to practice magic within its boundaries without breaking the Decree for the Restriction of Underage Wizardry, _so long as..._" Professor McGonagall paused to emphasize the importance of her next statement, "the magic performed is _only,_ and I mean _only_ performed for the purposes of Artemis' education." She glared around at the lot of them, letting this information sink in. "If there is absolutely _anything_ going on in this house that is not a part of Hogwarts curriculum, we _will_ know about it and the perpetrator will be dealt with accordingly." She stared hard at Malfoy for a long minute. "Is this understood?"

"Yep," said Malfoy, rolling his eyes.

"Yes, of course!" Hermione nodded earnestly, wide-eyed, like she would never in her wildest dreams dare to flout Ministry authority in such a manner.

"Good. Our next order of business is to find a suitable location for you to practice your spells. It should be spacious and uncluttered, with nothing too breakable... Preferably somewhere other members of the household won't see you. The perimeter won't affect anyone who crosses it." Artemis thought for a minute before deciding on a spot.

"Very well. If you'll come upstairs..." He led the way, followed by the small procession of magical beings, plus Butler. He reached the appropriate room and opened the door for Professor McGonagall's approval. It was huge and empty, except for a long desk that stood against the back wall, two easels, and dozens of canvases that lay in piles on the floor, both blank and used. A large window provided a grand view of the Manor's western grounds. It was the room Artemis had long ago chosen for his personal art studio.

"Will this do?" he asked as they all filed in.

"Oh, this is perfect," boomed Mr. Trenton. "But I'd move out anything you don't want accidentally destroyed."

"Not a problem. I can keep my paintings someplace else," said Artemis, and Mr. Trenton nodded in approval.

"You paint?"

For the first time since he'd arrived, Malfoy was looking at Artemis with - well, it wasn't interest, but something other than utter disdain. Artemis took the opportunity to give him a small taste of his own medicine.

"I believe I referred to them as _my_ paintings, did I not?" he said, lip curling expertly. "Which rather implies that yes, I paint."

Malfoy had a good four inches on him, but Artemis had long since mastered the art of looking down his nose at people taller than himself.

The blond boy's glare returned and he went back to ignoring everyone.

"Excellent, excellent... We might as well get started."

Professor McGonagall ushered them all into the hallway and Artemis watched the process through the open door. He felt something brush against his shoulder as Holly hovered close to get a good look.

Mr. Trenton pulled out his wand, pointed it at the baseboard and began walking along the edge of the room, muttering something under his breath.

A glowing, gaseous substance sprayed from his wand like paint from an aerosol can, turning blue and congealing into something solid on contact. Wispy tendrils began radiating upward, covering the wall like some bizarre blanket of ivy in their search for the upper limit of their new enclosure. Artemis held his breath as the wizard's spider web of magic approached his paintings, but whatever the stuff was made of, it didn't seem to harm them.

Mr. Trenton completed tracing the sides of the studio and closed off the rectangle, and the web spread across the floor and ceiling as well as the walls, enclosing him in a woven box of light. There was a bright flash, as if someone had taken a photograph, and the blue evaporated, leaving the studio looking just as it had before. Mr. Trenton pronounced Artemis' practice area legal.

"You'll be just fine, so long as you stay inside this room," he said. Then, his task completed, Mr. Trenton bid them all good day, wished Artemis luck at Hogwarts, and vanished with a loud pop.

Artemis heard Holly's quiet gasp from behind his ear, but none of the other wizards looked surprised, as if suddenly disappearing were as normal as calling a cab. That must be the same vanishing act that Butler witnessed McGonagall performing, thought Artemis.

"Very well," said Professor McGonagall, leading the group back downstairs. "Now, in order to begin your training as soon as possible, I would like for you to go to Diagon Alley tomorrow morning to purchase the items on your supply list. Miss Granger has offered to escort you, since the entrance can be, well, a bit difficult to access. You can exchange Muggle money for wizards' currency at Gringotts Bank, so no need to worry about that. Let me think, what else, what else. Ah, yes. It says in your letter that first years are not permitted to bring a broomstick to school, but as you are not technically a first year student, I suppose that restriction does not apply to you. So you may bring one, if you so desire. Of course, I should think that with the amount of work you have to do, recreational flying would not be very high on your list of priorities," she said sternly, as if Artemis had looked like he was considering it. "There will be plenty of time for that once you've caught up."

Artemis had a bit of trouble comprehending what the teacher had just said. He was pretty certain she'd said he was allowed to bring a broomstick to school. But why in the world would the school care whether or not a first year brought a broom with him? Did they not think their eleven-year old students capable of sweeping floors without injuring someone? And then his brain registered the second part, the part about learning to fly. Artemis felt a little dazed. Flying broomsticks? Honestly? Just like in all those cheesy Hollywood films? That was something he had to see. The physics involved in achieving such a thing would be-

"-so Miss Granger will be arriving here via floo powder, and you'll be traveling to Diagon Alley the same way, so you can expect her at the main fireplace tomorrow at whatever time the two of you decide on. I am leaving it to the three of you to coordinate your own class schedules. I imagine you'll be able to communicate with Miss Granger through your... what do you call that contraption... telephone?" She frowned.

"But Mr. Malfoy will contact you by owl, just like the way we sent you your acceptance letter. I recommend you start your lessons sooner rather than later, Mr. Fowl. The school year will be upon us before you know it. Furthermore, you are to complete a minimum of four hours' supervised lessons per subject, per week. But I highly suggest you devote much more time to practicing on your own. We are aiming to have you performing spells on a third year level by the start of term. Is there anything you are not perfectly clear on? No? Good. Mr. Malfoy, unless you have anything further to discuss with Mr. Fowl, you are dismissed."

"Nothing comes to mind, Professor," said Malfoy. "Guess I'll be going then."

"You will send him an owl in no more than three days regarding the time and date of your first tutoring session," McGonagall threatened. She pointed her wand at the hearth and conjured a roaring fire from nowhere. "And mind you show up in proper Muggle clothing next time."

"Will do," said Malfoy. He strode over to the fireplace, pulled a drawstring pouch from his pocket, grabbed something from inside and tossed it into the flames, which flared acid green. Then, to the shock of Butler, Holly and Artemis, Malfoy stepped right into the midst, whispered something, and was promptly whisked away to who-knows-where. Professor McGonagall closed her eyes and sighed through her nose.

"Blondie sure woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning," Butler muttered to Artemis, once Draco had disappeared and the fire had turned back to its normal color.

Hermione Granger overheard this and laughed. "Malfoy was born on the wrong of the bed," she said wryly. "I'm so sorry you have to spend so much time alone with him."

"Now, now. Mr. Malfoy might be... _difficult_, sometimes, shall we say. But there is no denying he knows his Potions," said Professor McGonagall. "And his Dark Arts, for that matter," she continued under her breath. "Honestly, don't know _what_ Severus and the Headmaster were thinking..." She shook her head. "At any rate, I will be expecting a weekly owl informing me of your progress. Speaking of owls, Miss Granger, perhaps a stop by Eeylops' Emporium tomorrow would be in order? Mr. Fowl might wish to buy one of his own." She nodded to Artemis.

"They are extremely useful, I highly recommend you look into it. Are there any further questions? No? Feel free to send me a letter should any arise. And now, I must take my leave. I trust you will make it home safely without my supervision. I look forward to seeing the two of you at the start of term, and, Mr. Fowl, I will be waiting eagerly to hear how your lessons are going. Good afternoon to you all." Professor McGonagall smiled her thin smile and vanished without further ado.

"Wow, Professor McGonagall must be really excited about all this," said Hermione after the witch had gone. "She never smiles, you know."

"Is that so," said Artemis stiffly. He was still smarting over the way Malfoy had slighted him before.

The girl's grin faded a bit as she saw that Artemis wasn't going to be extending the exuberant hand of friendship any time soon. "Alright, well, I suppose I'll see you tomorrow then. Don't forget your supply list. I'll meet you in front of your fireplace at ten, shall we say?"

"Very well. Ten it is."

"Very nice meeting you both," said Hermione.

"You as well," said Artemis, but only Butler returned her small smile.

She gave a last little wave, walked over to the fireplace and, just as Malfoy had done, tossed in some powder and whirled away.

There was a minute of silence in which Artemis and Butler both gazed thoughtfully into the flames, and then Holly unshielded, looking bewildered.

"That was... weird," she said. She walked over to the ordinary-looking fire and peered into it. "I just don't get how that works. How do you use a chimney as a teleportation device?"

"Perhaps it's something similar to the concept of a warlock's time tunnel," said Artemis. "Only it is a portal through space, and not the ages."

"Yeah, maybe," Holly mused. "I can't wait to hear what Foaly has to say about this."

"Nor can I. How soon can we consult him?"

"Not right now. He's probably asleep, the lucky bastard." She stifled a yawn.

"I did not ask if we could right now, I asked when it would be feasible."

"Pry around eight."

Holly sighed. Plenty of time to take a long nap. But she had to resist the temptation. She would be living on a human schedule now. No cheating allowed. She sat down in the least comfortable chair she could find, thinking of ways to occupy herself as she counted down the hours to bedtime.

* * *

**A/N: Did anyone snicker when I started talking about McGonagall's "tight bun"? Just wondering, cause I totally did…**

**Also, I realize that I messed up on the "fairies are nocturnal" rule back in chapter 2, when Artemis and Holly call Foaly and he and Caballine are fixing dinner, so… ignore that, please.**

**Of course, I also think that Colfer himself has messed up on the nocturnal thing too. I mean, why is Haven always lit with "artificial sunlight" when everyone's running around doing stuff? Shouldn't they be sleeping? Actually, why do they need fake sun at all, ever? Doesn't it just sap them of their magic? How do dwarves live in Haven without frying? You know what? I don't even care. From now on, everyone can do whatever the heck they want, regardless of what time it is. -End Rant-**

**P.S. You know, logging onto ff at the end of the day and finding a new review makes me ridiculously happy, even if it's just a, "This story is weird. You're weird. BYE." **

**C'mon. Takes two seconds. Please? O.O**


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